By Dr Chinkholal Thangsing
1982
The moment I look into those deep brown eyes and the way she looked into mine.
I just knew that we both shared the same vibrations
I do not know I was asleep but when I opened my eyes, the sun was already blazing low and had moved beyond those tall trees sending long shadows. The crimson glow of the evening sky crept slowly along the trunks of the trees kept mounting higher all along the countryside. It was then when a deep sense of nostalgia gradually wrapped and totally enveloped my inner being. The memories of old slowly drifted back to me and unscrolled rapidly before the eyes of my inner vision.
She was young…, well maybe seventeen. She had dark hair, as dark as the night and brown eyes. She was beautiful, slender and I think she was shaped like a goddess if there is no one. She is pretty, a fairlady. What inspired to me most was the portrait of innocence and gentleness that her face was. I could not help feasting the hunger of my eyes on her, the day I behold her beauty. Fiona and old acquaintance walked up to our table with her and introduce ….Hello! This is Jean’. I stood up so fast that I faintly remembered it is a gentleman who stands when the ladies are around. And so fast that I almost knocked over the table and spilled half the cup of tea… “How do you do’’? I ventured. The moment I looked into those deep brown eyes and then she looked into mine, I knew that we shared the same vibrations. That was our first meeting, which pave a way for a thousand meeting hence. And I realized that it was a day when a girl’s bright pretty eyes won the day as drank deep her beauty like someone entranced. I looked into those eyes, but it was something which cannot wave off, happiness out of mortal control.
Jean was perfect. She was always ready to help her kid brothers and sisters, not to talk of the household chores and the whole neighborhood. She was never bored with my endless talks. She always smiled, laughed, frowned inquired or sympathies at the right and appropriate time. Even when she disagrees she disagreed agreeably. The way her lips moved when she talk, her graceful gait, angelic smile were just superb. We would always be together when we are free and would find time to be even when we are not free. Life thus passed on and days found their way to years and as summer faded through autumn to the cold biting winter, Jean was the only one I ever cared and who ever mattered so much. We found pleasure in just being together I began to possess a great, uncontrollable desire to be with jean always. It saturated me; I began to be obsessed. The more I think of her, the greater she occupied my mind.
Day and night she filled my thoughts. I longed to be by her side watching her listening her talk sweet nothings. I began to live from day to day, hour to hour in a state of mind difficult to understand. It dawn slowly upon me that I needed her. Jean had become so special and the most important thing in my life.
It was a lovely evening. It began to rain, a gentle rain that sends thousand of drops over the roof to mingle as one. I saw in the rain all the ten thousand reasons I framed in my mind and all those thousand reasons why I chose her. How she was my chosen one and expected her thousand thoughts to mingle with mine as one. Jean sat beside me and it was then the exchanged began. I had always guarded myself against any deep feeling for a girl, but here I am in deep emotion for one. The setting was what a romantic or a poet will called it perfect as it was then between the glass the moon peered; the rain drops had now since long ceased falling. I was always a glib talker but here tonight I fumbled and gasped for words. I turned panicky, but overcoming the great desire to get up and run way finally found my voice. Jean I stammered, it’s been long since I wanted to let you know that you have become a part of my whole system..Your beauty haunted me night and day and I must confess that I really like you. Like you so much that I love you. I love you so much that I think of you as I do.I continued, words now rapidly escaping me. I felt dizzy at the thought of what will happen when I stop so I lingered on to words. Jean I find in you a soul whom I can utterly trust and you know my best and worst. But don’t know whether we shared the same feeling. Your answer will mean everything to me; I could never imagine what life might be without you. I stopped terribly hypoglycemic and my heart beat like the stamps of a thousand hoofs beating against the dust at a death run.
She gracefully lifted her head as her face slowly turned pink and her voice betrayed a tremor as she spoke. You know how much I like you. How much pleasure and happiness you gave me by your presence…..She responded But I am too young and confuse….utterly confused. I will think of returning your precious offering.I.I know I can love no one if I am to love; except you. I fought it for long and I don’t think I can fight it any longer. I love you too………but How do I know……..I wanted to be sure.Please,let us give ourselves sometime….’’It’s beautiful way to disagree it’s just out of her gentleness and pity for me. I thought and realized the lady of my dreams, Jean my fairlady had just gone vanished like morning misty dew swallowed and drained by the morning sun. So it was and again it is another time when the fair maiden saw me as just another knight.
The words choked me when I gently hoarse ‘’How long…..a year or years’’.’’I just don’t know….She responded kept silent and the silence sounded eerie….’’Why don’t you say something’’. She said so softly that it touches my heart. Its time I get going .Jean…….forgive me….I quipped I rose from the sofa. I saw her face quivered faintly and her lips trembled, her beautiful eyes and her face gradually turning grayish pale. A large drop o tear rolled from under her eyelashes and moistened her delicate cheeks. Don’t you have just another word for me? Lal I love you deeply as no one does…but….I her voiced trailed off. She look so pretty, so helpless so lovely that I just wanted to swept her into my arms and kiss her full and long on her lips. I don’t know how I turned to the door and managed. Bye…Jean’’.She was dazed and could not stir, except for a despairing movement of her hand bidding me to stay. I had to leave, had to run, before she saw my tears. I was halfway down the stairs, when emotions totally flooded her. I could hear a frank sob. The air was cool outside, but my heart was numb as the hot stream snaked down my cheeks.
My heart winched and tore from within. I got the pride and can design how to hide my sorrow; but it was that the tears kept coming. Why do I love her and that the thought of her still melt my heart I failed terribly to understand.
I watched aplenty sunset, days uncoiled and slowly stretched. Wondered why they last too long and the night just an endless void. Memories of Jean became an extraordinary dream.
Days turned into years, winter fade to spring; seasons come and go. But those memories the pretty face and soul failed to fade. They haunted me. I tried to stamp Jean could not see in them what I saw in Jean. I simply have to stop dating as I again heading with the thoughts of Jean at a speed that would surprised the swift. I knew I should be like a bird halting in its flight, rest on a bough too slight and feeling it gave away beneath him; sing knowing he had wings. Everything happened for good to them that love God.’ This faithful saying I knew but I am weak in believing it. Never did I realize what God saw in the deepening and enriching soul which this sorrow will reward me. With power divine I was able to let loose everything, my thoughts and cares, my wants. Gradually things began to bud a new leaf. The grief, sorrow, sadness and grotesque despair and pessimism that jolt me awoke in the night, slumber vanished. Then I beam at what comforted me and drove me to complete that peaceful fulfilling slumber is non but the peace of God.
Sufferings are Gods winds, his contrary winds. They are God’s hurricane but they take human life and lifted it to higher levels and towards God’s heavens carried weighty treasure. Thus I unlocked and unchained my love, desire, dreams free with an undying confidence that if they are meant to be mine they will float back to me. Yet………somehow I yearn for Jean “Have I lost Jean, my Jean forever….”
Alex…. Alexander! Dinners ready..” that sweet musical voice so clear and strong woke me from my reverie. You see, Alexander was our finest ‘ours’ and Jean adore him. Dear Reader, you might ask Jean? Yes, Jean, I had not lost my love; after all, instead I found an entire lifetime of true happiness awaiting. I was ready to sacrifice everything for His sake and now I know and say “God understand and know what you and I like. But, God want to give us something better than what we thought well.” How Jean and I cleaved together is simply beautiful. It will be a fairly tale for my grandchildren. The faint inviting, appetizing flavor from the kitchen grew stronger.
Outside it is quite dark an the city lights shimmered like the thousand stars above. The door silently gave away to a gently push and there at the door stood a lady of 32 young, a hair as dark as the night with her brown eyes, beautiful, slender and shaped like goodness. A pretty one a fairlady Jean, Alex’s mother, my wife. She came and sat beside me with her angelic smile, rest her head on my chest and whispered “Lal, I love you’. It was just too wonderful and I simply swept her off her fee and kiss her full on the lips and as my lips leave hers she added “….and dinners ready”.
Far out in the night the last echoing call of the birds and the melancholic notes of the wild ring. Out somewhere in the distance the first beautiful notes of the nightingale began and by the shores the seagull began to moan to welcome the night.
1982
Chinkholal Thangsing 